Expectations Vs Reality : Ski Diaries episode 06 ( English )

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IMPORTANT NOTE PLEASE OPEN AND READ THIS

(started from September 2020)
The episodes sometimes may contain my own personal experience through depression, anxiety issues that I go through, chronic constipation, eating disorder, mental breakdowns, some personal confessions and other things that I experienced throughout the time of documenting this…. I have shared the solutions to the things(things that I found helpful)  I have gone through too so it may help the ones who are going through it…if you feel uncomfortable or triggered reading any part just skip it… you may not wanna read or hear something coz you may not be going through it but maybe someone else need these things…at least they’ll know they’re not alone and if anyone shared something in the comments please don’t make fun of anyone’s situation if you can’t help or comfort then don’t waste your energy in typing too just to make fun…I wanna create a secure and healthy environment here where people are here to help each other.... and be there for each other to support and comfort whenever needed...THANK YOU

P.S. ENGLISH IS NOT MY FIRST LANGUAGE AND SO THIS MAY HAVE GRAMMATICAL ERRORS… BUT PLEASE UNDERTAND AND BEAR WITH ME…LOL🤡🙏

ANOTHER P.S. NOTHING IS SPONSERED IN THIS BLOG EVERYTHING IS BASED ON MY GENUINE EXPERIENCES

 

Expectations Vs Reality : Reality not always what you expected it to be ...

 

Aren’t things supposed to go as you thought they would?

 

I thought about something... Something really big and bright...but i did one mistake while growing up...A HUGE ONE... TAKING MY LIFE DECISIONS BASED ON WHAT OTHERS THINK... 💔🙂🤡

Dad: jitni haisiyat ho utna hi socho…zyada bada karna apne se nhi hoga…. Nhi kar paogi…Khaandaan me sab kya bolege?

Tans*I don’t know how to translate this exactly but… he said to limit my thoughts and I can’t do it and what will our relatives think of us? WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO INTERPRET THIS INTO? I MEAN HOW ARE RELATIVES RELATED TO MY LIFE? I MEAN ARE THEY GONNA PAY OUR BILLS OR THEY WOULD BRING ME IN HAPPINESS FROM SOMEWHERE?LIKE WHOT???

 

Wish the words my dad said were something different when I told them about my dreams …wish they were the words for encouragement rather than shattering me and discouraging me… and making me feel pity about my own self…but why did that affected me so much? Like ok maybe coz the words were from my dad…but still why did it made me lose my faith in me that I can make it? … half of the dreams are destroyed by family under the tag of I CARE FOR YOU… like I can understand and process everything… but that khaandaan(relatives) thing doesn’t sit right for me… Khaandaan(relatives)  will come to see you when you are going through shit? Will they come and pay our dues and bills? If I have some talent in me then why can’t I use it and be happy myself instead of thinking about KHAANDAAN(relatives) …Wish I had the courage to say all this…but then i am the one who’s disrespectful… (battameez)…

 

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GROWING UP I LEARNT HOW NOT TO BE A PARENT MORE THAN HOW TO BE A PARENT LOL 💔🙂🤡

 

MENTAL SUPPORT AND UNDERSTANDING ARE THE KEY POINTS but they are just using “I CARE FOR YOU” where “SO YOU ARE NOT DOING THIS” TAG is silent 🙂

 

 

fck it…fuck everything…I’m already ruined…and it’s not their fault…I ain’t blaming anyone…it’s my fault.. coz the time when my dumb self started to understand these things and realize what’s actually going on in my life and how I ruined it…and everything...it was already too late to realize… WHY AM I SO DUMB?? KAHGHJGDK…

 

 

But its ok enough …from now on…all my life decisions would be purely based on what I want and what I think…AND NO ONE ELSE…NOT EVEN MY PARENTS…YES I'M AN ADULT NOW AND I HAVE BECAME DISRESPECTFUL RUDE OR WHATEVER…I am ok with whatever tag I'm fixed with… but I don’t want regrets from my side that I didn’t do this or I didn’t even try…it feels disgusting 💔🙂 …and even if you do something good everyone would be like oh my godwa what have you done???!!! and when u do something wrong(as per THEM) then too they would be like oh my godwa what have you done?!!!??!

  

 

So if this line is actually fixed and in the end ONLY YOU are the one responsible for your entire life(coz if you thought  of it you should have done it why did you listen to me? Is also the thing which is  forever ready and will be smashed on my face) then why should I give a fck about what anyone actually think about me?coz the way I actually am to someone will keep on changing but the way I am to myself…that won’t ever change…

 

 

 

I am at that point of my life right now …where I think its ok if anyone calls me selfish disrespectful rude or anything for this type of thinking ..living this way is better rather than regretting about the decisions you took based of people who won’t even face the consequences…

 

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Me right now…

I had few metal break downs at this time…but its ok I made it up till now…hope  I keep  going…💜💜✨✨✨

I really want to go on this day and give myself a tight hug and tell her that she is doing great and working hard to make up out of the mess she’s in…

        And I AM FCKN PROUD OF HER…THINKING AND TALKING TO YOURSELF HELPS…DON’T BE LATE…THINK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW…AND START CHANGING…OK sorry continue…

 

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Even if I was doing something different I should've done it my way...who would have thought the topper of the class would actually end up working somewhere as a client support service center and that too being underpaid LMAO... 💔🙂💀 I didn’t ever thought I would be living this way...

(if only I took the right decisions before)

 

REGRET LEVEL INFINITY

  

         But it’s ok...having little is better than having nothing...with this thought I kept pushing myself…my whole life I made my decisions based of others …I have already ruined so much…need to pay for it right? … now I have to think how to make up out of the mess…coz thinking about clearing the mess is better than thinking about the mess right?

 

        *sighs*but I’m actually thinking of quiting this internship coz I’m starting to feel the outcome is not worth the hard work I’m putting in…I am exhausted af at the end of the day…and if I continue…deep down even I know I will get sick if I continue…on day 3 of my internship…my mom said she was worried about me when she saw me at the end of the day and told me to leave  the internship…she said she’ll give me the money I need… no need to work this hard…just take care of your health…you r more valuable than that shit amount of money…and I almost teared up…(even  when our financial conditions were not that good at this point she still said that and this makes me cry every time I think about it…I’m so grateful 😭😭💜💜✨✨✨))

 

  

But then I still thought I don’t have anything to do right now…I will get used to it..maybe I have dine nothing for 5+ months hence I am feeling too much exhausted…but actually I was convincing myself to keep on going💔🙂💀🤡  the biggest thing I had in my head what will I do after leaving this internship? I don’t have anything to do right now… i'll still regret... now I have 2 options...1... Continue to work in stress and earn very little or 2...leave the job and end up with nothing again in the end of this month...

 

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(me right now: I was literally ready to burn myself to earn money so I can have something in hand to start over my life …but again at this point I was seriously feeling so helpless like I was working coz I didn’t had money to support myself and it was hard to find another job during pandemic hence I was pushing myself…but my health wasn’t supporting me…like mai kya karu mar jau?meri koi feelings nhi hai? Mai kya karu ha kya karu kya karu Jhkjhgdhzgh wtf am I typing? Fjhdghljxi sorry continue…)

 

Next day morning...

 

I left that internship LMAO...😂💔... Wanna know the reason?

 

Next episode>>>

ALSO

Remember this?

 

Edited after some weeks…

It wasn’t coffee lol…I’ll find later…I still have coffee now…

I got the answer now LMAO

 

Next episode>>>

 

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Let me know  in the comment section below about how you are feeling or about anything you wanna share with me…you can dm me on instagram too…I will try to answer everyone before I go to sleep every day… coz by being there for each other may solve many problems…we can solve it together…💜✨

You are precious✨...you are strong…✨💜BORAHAE…💜✨

 

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